Over the Edge and Back

2011-12-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

The time has come for my usual end of the year journal entry. I usually write this in my leather bound book, but this year, I will blog it instead. It has been an unusual year of ups and downs for me and my family. In many ways it has been life changing and eye-opening. We are now sitting on the last step, looking down a very long staircase of shock, worry, sadness, grief, and the ultimate discovery of strength, forbearance, and love.

The lower steps started out shaky, creaky and hesitant, and the upper steps emerged strong, steady and even. We will take the final step this year knowing we can get through situations we never dreamed we could endure, and in the process we have found a depth of character and a wealth of family love and support we didn't know we were capable of.

It wasn't just my ordeal with early stage breast cancer that defined this year for us. It started out with my grandson Cole and the discovery that he had a tumor-like area in his tibia. The discovery was made quite by accident when he had to have an x-ray on his other leg. He and his physical therapist had a fall in the pool that required an x-ray. As it turned out it was a lucky thing he had that x-ray, because it pointed out a weak area in his other leg, where bone wasn't forming properly. That discovery had us all very worried and heartbroken at the prospect that his not being able to walk on that leg, would mean his muscles would atrophy and he might lose his already precious ability to walk.

Thank God for the excellent medical care he received, and that he has the pluck and courage he has. His bone is holding strong after his surgery and he is indeed still walking with the help of his walker. He is a strong little man and he has inspired all of us with his positive attitude and his unquestioning drive to move forward to do everything he needs to do every day. It is hard to believe that we as adults have learned so much from someone so young and so innocent. We have all gained from this experience, although it didn't look to be anything positive at all at first.

That ordeal sparked the decision by my daughter and son in law to build their new house at the farm. It is a beautiful house with wide hallways, open rooms, and an elevator for Cole to move about the house at will. It was designed in large part by my son in law, who has a knack for visualizing these things, and the business savvy to make them happen. I admire him so much for his level headed financial acumen and his intense love for his family. My daughter is the other side of that equation. She is a master researcher and she spends endless hours determining the best course of treatment and care for both of her kids. Even while she is working so hard to do that, she finds time to be an excellent cook, photographer and interior decorator. Her new home is tranquil and beautiful, all due to her artistic eye. It has been a big year on the farm, and we celebrated that with the best ever Christmas celebration in the new house. We all had a wonderful time.

As for me, the call I got the Friday before Mother's Day made my world stop and shift - in the time it took to have a five minute telephone conversation. The words - you have cancer - are the words no one wants to hear. I never thought I would hear them. I have always worked very hard to live a healthy lifestyle and have never done things to excess. I have enjoyed good health my entire life, and I hadn't bargained for that news at all. My husband was equally shocked, but was there with a strong shoulder to cry on. He endured his own battle with cancer in 1980, and we both thought we had seen the last of the big C in our lifetimes. As luck would have it, the aging body has other ideas about things like that.

I could look back on all of those events and think they were the worst things that ever happened to us, or I could look at them as a time when I discovered a lot of things about myself and those I love. I found out I am strong enough to endure whatever I have to in this life, and that I can get through a surgery. I had never had one before, so it was all foreign territory to me. I also found out I have the best family a woman could ask for, and their support and love buoyed me up through the entire treatment process and recovery afterward. I never felt so much love and it gave me strength. God, how it strengthened me!

I am a very lucky woman in so many ways. I am fortunate to have caught this thing as early as I did, and for the great medical care I received. I am blessed to have my precious family and friends. People can badmouth Facebook as much as they want, but there wasn't a day that passed, when I didn't get lifted by messages of concern and support from my friends on my home page. It kept me going, while I was gathering strength for my journey. I will never forget that love and support when I needed it most.

As if all of those events weren't enough, my dear father, whom I love so much, went through some very serious medical problems this past summer. We came very close to losing him, but being the fighter he is, he came back not once, but three times, from some terribly serious conditions. He is an inspiration on the other end of the family age spectrum - of strength, resolve and strong faith when it comes to overcoming obstacles. He has faced so many medical challenges in his life that he teases about being a cat with more than nine lives. I think he is onto something there.

So now comes the time to make resolutions for the New Year. I resolve to live the coming year without limitation. My new awareness of the frailty of life as we know it, has spurred me to decide this is the year to move my life in the direction I've always hoped it would go. My writing is taking on a new significance and I don't intend to spend one minute regretting what I haven't done. It starts for me now! Anyone care to join me?

2011-12-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

I had my six month follow up appointment with my surgeon yesterday. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy going back to the cancer center. I was rattled to the core. It seems in the past couple of months, I have been able to think of other things besides the "C" word now and again, and it has been nice. Walking back in there brought back raw fear as if it were just yesterday when I was diagnosed.

I kept talking to myself about the fact that the surgery is over, the radiation is over, and now it is just surveillance. My rational mind knew that, but it wasn't informing the small quivering child within. It decided to keep it on a level that couldn't be reached for awhile. As I drove over to the center, I marveled at my ability to shake and shiver and still drive quite well. I hadn't forgotten the way in the past few months. I had however, gotten a new smaller car, so the drive was a bit more fun. The new car is more sporty and not so grandmotherly. Maybe that was the result of some latent need to feel young and carefree?

As I arrived, I pulled right into the valet parking lane, and turned my fob over like an old pro. I managed to hold the door and the elevator for a woman with a walker. She and I visited on the way up, and I welcomed her warmth and good humor. When I approached the registration desk, they were ready with the dreaded hospital bracelet and page of stickers. I knew the routine. I also knew the volunteers would soon be offering me a cup of tea or whatever I wanted to drink. They are so soothing and caring. It helps.

I waited to be called in, and noted when I had to get on the scale that I had worn my heaviest pair of shoes and a sweater. I was hoping to be down at least ten more pounds by my six month follow up. Not the case. I didn't even ask what my blood pressure was, as the nurse took it. I didn't want to know. I had no problems to report. I was a little worried about an area of hard tissue under my incision, but I would address that with my doctor.

I didn't have to wait long for her to arrive. I had opted to slouch in the chair to wait for her instead of sitting on the backless exam table. I was doing my best slouch, when I heard her knock at the door. She entered the room wearing a stylish herringbone wool jacket instead of her usual white coat. That put me at ease instantly. She also had a smile on her face and she looked into my eyes as we spoke.

Our previous encounters before my surgery and just afterward were neither warm or cordial. I thought it was her demeanor, but now I wonder if it was mine, or maybe a combination of a very concerned professional who wanted to do her best job, and a very scared patient. Nonetheless, we had a very nice visit.

She examined me thoroughly on both sides from every angle and told me that she found absolutely no areas of concern. She had the results of my recent labs and she was pleased I was taking vitamin D and was on track with my thyroid medications. We talked a bit more about my plans for follow up with my medical oncologist (I have been dreading that one too).

I was surprised that from this point on, I would only be seeing her at the same time I get my yearly mammogram. It reassured me that I wouldn't have to be monitored as closely as I feared I might.

I don't know if I will ever get used to the idea that I have had breast cancer, but I feel more accepting of it now. I don't wake up every morning in a cold sweat with my heart pumping hard and fast. Some days I can even sleep in. I will never take my health for granted again. I will do what I need to, in order to keep on top of things. I even have a colonoscopy scheduled, and I am not really sweating it. I guess we could call that progress!

2011-07-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

Independence Day! This is a day I have both enjoyed and taken for granted for a very long time. When I was a kid, my family usually had a picnic at a local park called Sully's Hill. My mother and grandmother used to fry chicken, make potato salad and pack a wonderful picnic lunch. We kids would run wild through the park, just basically raising hell and being maniacs. There was a huge hill to climb, which overlooked the whole area. We made our way up that hill, and after reaching the top, all six of us would take off running down as fast as our legs would carry us. At the end was a fence made of cut timbers. I don't know how we avoided smashing into that fence as we reached the bottom, because the hill was steep and one could pick up a good head of steam before reaching the bottom. Our guardian angels must have been working overtime in those days.

The day usually ended with a drive through the natural habitat trail. It was dotted with prairie dogs, elk, deer, and the best reward of all - a herd of buffalo. It was an awesome experience to slowly navigate between those big creatures, and my heart would beat a little faster, wondering if something might make them stampede. If they decided to do that, I was sure our little Rambler would have been smashed like a tin can - with us in it.

As the evening turned to night, we often found ourselves at my grandmother's house. She and my grandfather lived directly across the street from the park where the fireworks were lit. She had all of the chairs set up outside her screen porch and a thing she called a smudge pot going. From what I could tell, the smudge pot was a metal pail of burning embers to which she would add handfuls of green grass from time to time. It would smoke something awful, and she claimed that would keep the mosquitos away. It seemed to work. We felt very lucky to have a good, cozy vantage point for the fireworks, and a smudge pot to keep us from being eaten alive by those virulent North Dakota mosquitos. To this day, I don't know anywhere, except Canada, where the mosquitos are so thick and overpowering. I am too much of a wimp to chance the mosquito gauntlet these days, although I have to admit those pesky bugs seem to leave me alone for the most part. I always say it is the Native blood I inherited from my father's side of the family.

This year finds me staying at a lake cabin in the northwoods. I am feeling especially grateful for the ability to enjoy a holiday with my family. Almost a month ago, I was facing the first surgery of my life. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and facing a lumpectomy. I was terrified of the diagnosis and the idea of surgery. The news hit me with the realization that my life would never be the same again. My husband and sister spent hours reassuring me I was going to get through the surgery just fine, but I wasn't convinced. I had always been the healthy one in the family - the kid who never caught the flu or the cold that was ravaging the other kids. That turned out to be both a blessing and a curse.

I never got used to being messed with from a medical point of view. I didn't have to face many needles, medicines or doctors. I had routine check-ups, but not often. When I did, everything always came back perfect. Suddenly, I was having to trust being put out with a general anesthetic and letting my surgeon cut into my body and remove things. The things she was removing, were a small breast lump, about an inch long and a few lymph nodes for testing. I tried to tell myself it really wasn't a big deal and I would heal quickly. I have always been a quick healer.

The surgery went well, and I did heal quickly, however I was not ready for the underarm pain the small incision there created. I was bruised, dyed blue in strange places and generally on high alert for a few weeks. I had to hurry and heal however, because we had a trip to Florida planned with our daughter and her family. I was determined not to let this damned cancer thing define me or limit my life. The healing happened and the trip to Florida went off without a hitch.

The week after my return, I was scheduled to meet both my medical oncologist and my radiology oncologist. The idea of oncologist just caught me up cold. I fretted over the first appointment - not sure what I was going to be told. To my huge relief, my doctor turned out to be a woman a few years my senior who was both compassionate and reassuring. It made my second appointment easier to face. My second doctor was a younger woman - 40ish - smart, articulate and caring. I feel so grateful to have those women along with my surgeon, another brilliant young woman overseeing my care. I am feeling trust for the first time in my life, when it comes to my physical well being.

Today, the blue of the sky, the smell of the lake, the call of the loon and the eagle soaring overhead bring me back to my native roots. I am seeing signs everywhere that all is well and will continue to be that way. I feel free in so many ways now. There is the Fourth of July holiday that I am privileged to be healthy enough to enjoy and there is the freedom from the "C" word. It has been removed from my body. Life will never again be the same for me, but there is nothing that says it can't be better!

2011-01-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have taken a rather long hiatus from blogging. I guess it just lost its appeal for some reason. At first it was so much fun and I had a lot to say, but for a period of time my writing muscle became weak and began to atrophy. I am feeling a resurgence of my passion, however. Maybe it is the first of the year, and the resolution thing.

I was musing this morning about the Kindle we bought my mother for Christmas. I was wondering if she would ever buy more than one book on it. She is an avid reader, and her bookshelves are piled high. I thought the Kindle would alleviate the huge overstuffed bookshelves in her townhouse. As I was thinking about it, the phone rang and it was her on the line. She was in fact trying to figure out how to navigate her Kindle. I am encouraged that she is not giving up easily.

My other concern was the watch that we gave my father. We felt he deserved a really nice watch, but I had reservations that even at his age, he would feel he should save it to wear only for dress occasions. I voiced that to my mother this morning and she told me that he had just told her that he was indeed going to save it to wear for special occasions. I told her to tell him that at his age, every day was a special occasion and that he needs to wear the watch.

The gifts I received this year, have added to my quality of life, and I am grateful for them. I have a coffee brewer that allows me to make a mean cup of mocha in the morning, a pillow that gives me a better night's sleep, and a few kitchen gadgets that have renewed my interest in cooking. That is always a good thing. We have a special bottle of wine that we are looking forward to tasting with some very special cheese as well.

Since we went on a huge weight loss kick several years ago, I have lost my love of cooking and eating. You would never know that by looking at my plump little frame, but I am one of those people who could eat nothing and not lose a pound. My thyroid petered out years ago, and as a result, I fight the weight constantly. My challenge this year is to cook tasty food with less fat and calories. That, and exercising often with the Wii that my husband gifted me with. So far, I am able to figure out these electronic toys, and they have made life richer.

However, another goal I have for the year is to limit my time surfing the net and also to make real connections with those I love, instead of relying on the quick blurbs on the internet to stay connected. There is a balance that has to be found between being too involved in my children's lives and being too distant. I think in the past couple of years, I have been less on the telephone and more on email, which can lead to some real misunderstanding at times. Actually Skype has been wonderful when you can't be there. There is nothing better than seeing those grandkid's faces and watching them being cute and funny when I can't actually be there to give and get hugs.

We've had some challenges with health issues this year. We are staying optimistic about those and focusing on the positive. We all go through this things, and as I see it we can be miserable doing it, or we can pluck as much joy as we can out of every day and not borrow trouble.

I have a huge respect my children and their spouses who have little people with real health challenges. I am not sure if, when I was their age, I would have been as level headed and calm as they are in working through those things. Their children are well balanced and grounded, and living life to the fullest every day. As a mother and grandmother, that makes me very proud and grateful.

Well, those are some January musings. It is lovely to be writing again. More soon. It feels great to be putting fingers to keyboard again. Happy New Year!

2010-10-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've always loved the month of October. When I was a child it was the month of not only my birthday, but the birthdays of my two sisters as well. It started on the first of the month, which was my sister Jackie's birthday, mine was on the 25th, and Nancy's was on the 30th. She missed Halloween by a day, but still, it was close enough for an honorable mention.

Very often my mother held a joint birthday party in October, usually somewhere in the middle for all three of us. She would bake a lovely birthday cake with Halloween decorations and there were napkins and favors all in the Halloween theme. We would invite our friends and neighbors and that amounted to a lot of kids. It was the one time our mother, or the mother of our neighbor kids, the Azures would let such a bunch of kids into their houses. They were both more inclined to shoo the kids out of the house. Neither house was very large and as I look back, I wonder how we all coped with one bathroom and only two bedrooms in our small house. The Azures had three bedrooms, but two more kids as well. It seemed I could never go into the bathroom without having someone knocking on the door and telling me my time was up.

October in North Dakota was often a chilly month, but we could count on Indian Summer at least for a day or two where the school windows were open. If we were lucky, we could enjoy the breezes of October as well as the World Series being played over the school's public address system. I wasn't crazy about baseball in those days, but listening to the World Series was much more fun than doing the sheets of school work we were allowed to work on, while listening.

Our neighborhood would have been considered on the wrong side of the tracks, although all of us had lots of friends from all over town, and they loved to come to our neighborhood to hang out. We had a cohesive bunch of kids on the South Side. We played night games during the summer and on the weekends in the fall. The night games usually involved chasing through the streets and alleys and avoiding being caught and kissed. Sometimes we played truth or dare, and the dare usually involved kissing someone. I thought of all of the neighborhood boys as younger brothers, so the idea of kissing them was kind of disgusting to me, but I complied.

When I was in sixth grade, I was finally allowed to have my own birthday party and invite my friends from school. That birthday was particularly special to me. I was allowed to have a friend from school stay overnight. I received many nice gifts, but the one that stands out in my mind is the plastic wallet I got from my overnight guest. It was black with a white poodle on it. It smelled of lovely new plastic and it had a five dollar bill in it. I could hardly wait to go shopping and use my new wallet to pay for my purchases. We shopped the very next day at the Woolworth store. After pondering several purchases, I couldn't resist a small plastic woven basket with two small identical white kittens in it, called Tisket and Tasket. It was something I had been looking at all summer, and that day it became my own. My life was complete.

Halloween was a real holiday in our town. We always stayed on the South Side for our trick or treating. Our costumes were made of things we could find in our homes. I loved to dress like an old woman, with a long dress, a funny hat, powdered hair, and wrinkles drawn on with a piece of burnt wood, or even a burnt match. It was always a bit frustrating however to work so hard on putting together a good costume, only to have to wear my coat over the top, because it was so cold outside. October 31 in northern North Dakota was usually not a warm night. It was raw and windy, very often.

Our goal every Halloween was to fill the pillowcases we used to catch our treats. The biggest treasure was a chocolate candy bar of some type. Even the small size bar in those days was pretty big. It was always a disappointment to get apples, popcorn balls, or pennies. I hated the pennies the most. When we got home, our treats were our own private stash, although we did a good bit of candy trading between the three of us. Suckers were another disappointment, although a Tootsie Pop was okay, because it held the promise of the chewy chocolate center. I still like a Tootsie Pop today on occasion.

As I got older October held lots of fun, since that was the month my school usually did homecoming. That meant dates for the homecoming dance, special dresses, and football games. My sister and I found a lady in town that we adopted as our personal seamstress, since our mother had no time to sew. We designed our own dresses, bought the fabric, and Esther would create our fashions for us. We worked to earn the money to pay for them with part time jobs. It was always understood if we wanted those special things, we had to pay for them. My parents earned enough to give us a home and put food on the table, and it took all of their energy to do that.

My memories of October are rich and happy. It was a month of falling leaves and great promise. Sadly, I grew up too fast in that small town. Maybe we all did. My first wedding day was October 1. The marriage didn't last long, but it was a lovely one. My favorite seamstress and another one besides created my white crepe wedding dress. It was a long one with pointed, thin sleeves, and an empire waist. My bridesmaids had sleeveless versions of my dress in a hot pink color. We were an adorable group of miniature adults. As I look at the pictures now, we were just children. If only we would have realized that at the time... But then changing history would have deprived my life of some very important people, so I wouldn't do it, even if by some wrinkle in time, I were offered the chance to do so.

2009-12-11T21:26:00.001-08:00

Check out my friend Jennie Helderman's blog. I wrote a guest blog for her over there. Jennie and I have been friends for 10 years since we met in an online writer's group. She has been a source of inspiration to me on more than one occasion. Here's a link. Enjoy! www.jenniehelderman.com

2009-06-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

"There's a place in your heart, and I know that it is love...". Michael Jackson is dead. The world collectively stopped breathing and felt the pain for a trembling moment in time. How could this be? How could he have died before he got a chance to redeem himself, to make his comeback? It isn't fair! But then life isn't fair is it?

I am astounded, but on the other hand too well in touch, with the human nature that caused all of his critics and detractors to peck at him relentlessly when he was down - who are now praising him and proclaiming that his imprint on the world will never be forgotten or washed over by the sands of time.

Michael suffered so much emotional pain in the past several years of his life at the hands of careless humans who got a laugh at his expense. He was betrayed by those he tried to nurture and protect. According to those closest to him, his spirit was gentle and loving and not capable of some of the things opportunists tried to accuse him of. In the end the evidence weighed in his favor, but he was never acquitted in the world of public opinion.

Do you suppose that all of those who are so publicly paying tribute to him now, were there to comfort him when he suffered in the quiet hours of the night? Did they bolster his spirit when he needed it and did they provide a shoulder for him to lean on? I wonder about that.

Why does it take someone's death to snap us all to attention? Why did Michael have to die before the family he left behind was allowed to feel proud of him, and realize the impact we all know he has had on our lives, past, present and future?

Maybe it is time to cultivate a kinder society here in the U.S. Will this be the impetus for us to do that? Does anyone feel a little guilt at all about the way Michael was persecuted and ridiculed? Does anyone wish he could have felt some of the love during his life that is being showered on him now? Maybe it might have actually saved his life.

Will we as humans with souls learn anything from maybe the tiniest shreds of guilt we might feel in this regard? I would like to think so. We need to start a kindness movement here, where even if a person has made a mistake, we can be the first to show some compassion and forgiveness.

I'm not saying Michael did anything, in the cases he was accused of. From the reams of material I've read, it is difficult to believe he has. Sadly, there are others out there who are serving as fodder for some cheap comedian's jokes. How about we stop laughing at that kind of humor? I find myself turning the channel away from it. I also turn the channel on sensationalist journalism that loves to hash and rehash a situation. We don't need all of that negative in any of our daily lives.

So let's think about it, huh? Just a little more kindess and generosity of spirit from now on? It might just "Heal the World"!

(as I quietly step down from my soapbox and stack it in the corner)

2009-05-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days when all felt right with the world. Some Mothers Days I have felt like the worst mother in the world. I am a mother wracked with guilt. I don't know if it is the Catholic upbringing or if it is the age I am. It seems more and more I look back at the past and absolutely cringe at some of the ignorant decisions I made as a parent over the years.

My husband would alleviate my angst by saying something like, "You did the best you could with the resources and information you had at the time." I suppose he is right to some degree and I really love his cool logic. However, I do believe my own offspring are smarter than I was at their ages. They seem to have something going for them that I didn't.

Nonetheless it is a great feeling to see your grandkids being raised with so much love and security. I love that for them. As of tomorrow, I will have spent time with all of them within the last couple of weeks. That is one of the reasons I stay in the Midwest, despite the cold, cruelty of winter - to be near those grandkids and to be able to spend quality time with them. That is what makes life worth living!

Today I had a great lunch with my son, his wife and three of the grandkids. I got to hold that little miracle baby who looks like a perfect miniature of his daddy and I got to hug that big brother of his who is already styling with his long scarf and his fashionable jacket. Who told this four year old that scarves are really trendy? No one had to, he just knows it. He is cool to the bone, that guy.

I spent the better part of the weekend with my granddaughter who is so in synch with me that sometimes we don't even have to talk. We just hang out together and chill. This girl is amazingly smart. She can read faster than anyone I know, and she is such good company.

Tomorrow I get to see the oldest granddaughter. It is the last choir concert of her senior year. I am so excited for her to finish high school and put all of those brains and all of that talent to work. She is the whole package that one.

The other two grandkids live on a farm about four hours from here. I got to spend time with the two of them a couple of weeks ago. They are both gorgeous, smart, funny kids. One has beautiful green eyes and the other has blue eyes that would stop you dead in your tracks. They can melt my heart in a moment, both of them. I am over the moon crazy about my grandkids. I am truly blessed and I know it. As far as kids and grandkids go, I won the lottery, big time!!

2009-01-21T12:44:00.001-08:00

And here is my baby sister getting her face time with President Obama. She has always had the gift of gab, that girl. I'm sure he was absolutely taken with her as most people are. That's why we call her Ferris!

2009-01-20T20:09:00.001-08:00

This photo was taken at Obama's first campaign rally in Minnesota. I am the one directly over his right shoulder, and my sister Jackie is over his left shoulder. The bearded guy beside Jackie, is my brother in law Ron. We were right up front and got to shake his hand. It was that handshake that gave me really good vibes about this man and his character. Today was a special day in the history of this country. I've got an embossed invitation to the Inauguration. I am definitely going to frame that. I am proud that we were Obama supporters from the beginning. He is gonna be a great president. The anticipation is running high.

2009-01-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

These photos are kind of far off, but if you look closely, you will see the tiny little detached head to the man in the other photo. I believe it had something to do with that alien!!

2009-01-17T14:25:00.001-08:00

I have a few Christmas villages that I display on Christmas around the dining room. There is one in particular that I let the kids mess with if they want, and this year they loved doing that. There is nothing in there that is worth more than the fun they have just arranging, rearranging, turning the lights off and on. It is theirs, really. This year however, there is a horrible, strange creature lurking in the village. The poor people are completely unaware, except for the man in the foreground who has obviously lost his head somehow in the bargain. Upon closer inspection in the second photo, the missing head is spotted near a door. Will the little village ever be the same again after invasion by this giant headed woman on some sort of spacecraft? Stay tuned next year, and I will let you know.

2009-01-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

We're going to Disney World! We leave on Monday. Two of our three kids and their kids - the grandkiddies are jetting off to Disney World. I can't wait for some sun and fun. There is no better experience than sitting at Chef Mickeys and watching those little cuties waving their napkins as the characters come dancing through the restaurant and loud music plays. It is a party atmosphere like no other. The faces of those little people are priceless and their reactions to the characters are hilarious.

My hubby and I went to Disney World for the first time in our late 30's. We found from the first time we set foot on Disney soil that it is the one place we can go and just be kids again. The first time we sat down on the monorail and heard that deep, clear reassuring voice say, "Welcome to the Happiest Place on Earth!" I felt my heart soar like it hadn't done since I was a small child. I felt absolutely giddy. You just don't find that very often in an average adult life. I was hooked!

As soon as we could manage it, we bought shares at Disney Vacation Club. Since then we have brought our kids and our grandkids, as they have come along, for at least one yearly trip down there. It is a place where we can be together as a family and let our cares float away like the huge balloons that manage to escape the grasp of their little owners and float away into the tranquil blue sky. When I see the balloon vendors on Main Street I am always intrigued about the pull upward that a mess of balloons like that would create against the force of gravity. What would it feel like to have a huge bouquet of balloons like that in your grasp? Maybe I will try it someday. It is on my list of things to do.

Well, time to pack my bags and get my boarding pass printed. Mickey here we come!! Get those Mickey bars and turkey legs ready for us.

2009-01-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

New Years always puts me in such a contemplative mood. I spend time thinking about the year gone by and the year to come. I try to figure out what I was supposed to learn, and what lessons were wasted on me completely.

The past year was amazing and eye opening in so many ways. Topping my list was the election of Barack Obama. Man, what an exiting time this is for our country. We have elected the first African American man to be president, and what a good man he is indeed. I don't jump on band wagons easily, but in this case, I am glad we made the right choice. I feel hope for the year ahead because he is being inaugurated.

On a personal level, I have started to become more fit. The weight has not fallen off, but I have lost about 10 lbs. and I am feeling healthy, so that is good. I have to continue to work on my eating plan. I don't like to call it a diet.

I have also come to the conclusion this past year that having a big, fat Griswold Christmas is in the past for me. It seems the greater one's expectations for that happiest of all seasons, the more room there is for disappointment and hurt feelings. I am thinking that a beach in Hawaii looks really good for next year. Either that, or a beach in Florida - definitely a beach. I don't care if my midwest loving husband protests every step of the way, I am gonna take Christmas from now on to rest, relax and enjoy the true meaning of the season. I am done with the White Christmas and Holiday Inn scene. Done! Done! Done!

For the coming year, I intend to accomplish some of my personal goals, once and for all. Now that I am on the bottom side of 50, I don't feel like I have a lot of time to waste. Although there is longevity in my family, and my great-grandmother and grandmother lived into their 90's, you just never know. Maybe my sister and I will start a rock band. We can be the rocking grannies, although last night on New Years Eve we were goofing around and practicing some hip hop. We decided you can't really undersand what they are saying in unison anyway, so we could just give recipes, and no one would know the difference! We both wear short, baggy jeans already, so add a jersey, a baseball cap turned sideways, some chains and some high tops, and we've got the look! We can yell and bob and weave as well as any of those guys! Put a little pow wow step in now and again, and by gosh I think we've got it!! Gi-Le and JackRo! Catch us soon, we'll let you know when our first gig is.

2008-11-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've ever mentioned my mother before. She is what one would term a live wire. She is in her seventies, but you would not know that by looking at her. At present, I believe she is working three part time jobs. She is a nurse, actually went to school to become one in her 50's and graduated top in her class. She gives me a lot to aspire to, and according to her, some of her traits have passed to me, without my even knowing it.

She and my dad recently moved to a senior apartment. She insists most of those people are way older and she really believes that. Not so much! But then they say age is just a state of mind.

Getting back to my story - somehow in that move, between climbing up on ladders and pushing relentless shopping carts full of stuff (they don't throw much away) she hurt her back and legs. She was in pretty tough shape. At one point I watched her slowly rising out of her miniature little recliner chair and having to literally force herself to take a step forward. I couldn't help but worry about her, and suggested that she take it very easy for a couple of days to let things heal. I knew she wouldn't do that, but I thought I would suggest it. The next day she called to say she was up on a ladder - much to my sisters' and my dismay. We always feel we have to watch her to make sure she doesn't do way too much, way too fast.

The back didn't heal quickly enough, so Mom decided to go to a chiropractor - another thing that worried me, because she didn't really get a firm diagnosis about her pain problem. Nonetheless, after a few treatments, her chiro declared her improvement to be phenomenal (of course), and told her she would need several more treatments.

She is now completely sold on this guy and his methods of treatment. She was almost gleeful on the phone, as she suggested that I too should consider going to this guy. "You have that same crooked back and one higher hip like I do," she declared. "This guy says he can really help you!"

What? I didn't know I had a crooked back and higher hip! I went to the mirror and studied my body - front, side, back. I couldn't see it, but maybe there was a problem I wasn't aware of. I dug out pictures from my youth. When I was in high school, I was a trim little thing. No one ever mentioned that I was crooked or deformed. My pictures didn't show that either. Some in those days actually thought I was Uh-Huh, not bad looking at all, and maybe even a little good looking.

I looked at my last drivers license photo, and also the one I just had taken (no more full body shots for this girl). I did notice that my jacket in both photos seemed to droop on the same shoulder, just the same amount on each one. Can it be? Am I really deformed? Or is it just that both times I probably had a 20 lb. purse on my shoulder, dragging me downward, ever downward. Could that be it? Is it the presence of my always heavy purse that makes my mother think I am deformed, or has the purse finally twisted my body in this horrible way?

She's got me thinking now...I guess I am going to have to make an appointment with someone to find out for sure. Until then, I'll just keep limping along.

2008-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll be the first to say I am no Pollyanna. Those of a "certain age" will get that reference. I am a bit of a grump sometimes, and I can get pretty cynical. All of that is a cover for a hot chocolate melty center - kinda like a Tootsie Roll Pop! Knowing that about myself, I am absolutely taken by the happy, optimism I am feeling these days. I can't help but think all of this is related to the fact that we now have a President-Elect we can believe in. He is a guy of moral and principle, and I really think he means what he says. I no longer feel like an adult child of an alcoholic who lives life being promised one thing, and getting another. Out of that comes a basic distrust of your fellow man. I do believe we have been living under the cloud of that for the past eight years.

Perhaps the U.S. is being washed clean, and we can emerge sparkly and clean, and maybe, just maybe we can feel proud again to say, "I am an American". It has been too long. I have hesitated to travel out of the country in the past few years, because in my heart I know other countries don't think much of the U.S. these days. I found it heartening that when Obama was announced as winner in the Presidential race, people in France drank champagne, and there were holidays and celebrations all over the world.

There are some that believe we have a new generation of youth who are enlightened and will be carrying forth in peace and beauty. Without becoming too metaphysical about all of that, I do believe I see a spark of something special in our youth, and I predict they will someday put down the distractions of youth and shine very brightly. I have five grandchildren who emanate a lot of that already. In the meantime, it makes my soul sing to know we as a country have evolved to a point where we have elected our first African American president. How cool is that? We definitely are better than we thought we were, aren't we?

2008-11-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

I like many things about our new president-elect, but the one thing that stood out for me when I heard his victory speech last night was the fact that when he mentioned the groups of disenfranchised people in this country he named the Native Americans. I have found over the years many people, even those who have been discriminated against, have a tendency to forget the original minority. He didn't do that, and I thank God he is the kind of man who is inclusive and considerate of others

True, Native Americans weren't made slaves per se, but they were in many cases forced to work for nothing and they had all they owned and loved taken from them piece by piece while they were placed on reservations which became smaller and smaller. Those atrocities have all but been forgotten, because to make them right would involve paying massive sums of money, or giving back ill-gotten land, and it would literally change the landscape of the United States as we know it today.

Relatively speaking the numbers of Native Americans are small, and it is much easier to forget about the problem and the missing money being held in trust for them at the Department of the Interior. They just can't seem to figure out what happened to that money, isn't that strange? How can you lose millions of dollars like that and not know what happened to it? It is just another example of the injustices that have been visited on Native people.

Thank God for Barack Obama. I believe he is going to change the world in a very good way.

2008-08-15T17:14:00.001-07:00

Since I see so many movies, I've decided to do my own reviews of a few that stand out. Today I went to see Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Overall, I left the theater feeling satisfied, perplexed, and a little annoyed with Woody Allen's self indulgence on this one. That is not to say he doesn't deliver his usual rich, quirky characters, and dialogue as fresh as if it were coming out of the mouths of babes, but in the end he was a little more self indulgent than he was generous on this one.

Scarlett Johansson was vulnerable, adorable and spot on as the young adventurous Cristina-looking for adventure and romance. Xavier Bardem was scrumptious and the kind of rogue any woman would fall for. Penelope Cruz was perfect as the wacky, completely insane Maria Elena. I've always loved the Woody Allen dialogue - ad libbed in the stammering and halting nature of real conversation.

The movie had a narrator, and that sort of thing would annoy me in any other movie, but I'll put up with a lot from Woody. The ending, though - yeah, I'm not gonna be a spoiler and give it away. Suffice it to say there has to be a sequel. Come to think of it, that is probably what Woody was planning on. At least he'd better be. Woody, are you listening?

2008-07-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

On the ninth anniversary of my brother's death, I find myself asking what he would have been like if he would have lived. He died when he was just 40, in 1999. He was so worried about the millennium, and then he didn't live long enough to see that it was all okay. Our computers didn't grind to a halt, banks didn't go into crisis, and those people that stocked up on food and water and cash did a whole lot of work for nothing.

He never had to endure 911 and its aftermath. He didn't have to have his faith in his fellow man shaken to the core. I have to admit he already had enough shake ups in his faith before he died. His world was changing too fast, and all that he believed in was crumbling before him. He was such a fragile guy in so many ways, and yet so down to earth and funny.

If he would have lived through that last day - if he wouldn't have died, how would it be now? Being the loving and caring guy he was, I would bet he would have eventually gotten things back on track for himself, and he would have moved on with his life and been better for it in the end. He was a straight shooter who wouldn't hurt another person deliberately for anything.

What would he look like today? He would be prematurely gray and handsome. His kind face would have softened even more with age. He did have the spinal degenerative disease, and he might have been stooped over, or he might have been able to have surgery to straighten his back and fuse it that way. We all worried about him fusing bent over, and he was so self conscious of his disability. It wasn't fair that he had to have that, but it was what it was.

If he were alive today, he would be so pleased to see how his nieces and nephews have grown up, and he would have been thrilled to meet the nephew he didn't get to know as a child. He would chuckle as they reminded him of the crazy stories he used to tell them. He would go out of his way to get those kids scratching their heads and wondering if Uncle Bob was on the level about some of those fables. My favorite was when he told them that birds can sit on high line wires and not be electrocuted because they always perch with one leg raised. He would laugh his hearty laugh as he watched them sneak up to the wires and peer up into the sun, trying to see if those birds really were sitting with one leg up. I'm not sure they have stopped checking on that story, even now.

How I would love to be able to feel his reassuring arm around my shoulder in times of worry or distress. He was always there when I needed him most, and he said the right things to make me feel better. After he could see I was coming out of a sad spell, he would hit me with his trademark comeback, "Ya Knucklehead!" after which he'd laugh his hearty, one of a kind laugh. I'm really not so sure I don't feel that reassuring arm now and again, and his laughter still rings in my ears.

There's so much he would have loved the hell out of in the world of today. I think he would have liked Uncle Kracker as much as I do. That music always makes me think of him somehow. It brings back memories of the times when he would have all of the kids following him as he led them in a parade of silliness. I smile to remember it.

2008-07-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

My sister lives in a townhouse right across from mine all summer. Today we had one of our epic summer days. We are both batching it this week and have the ability to do pretty much as we damn well please. Today we decided to go to a film. We picked My Winnipeg. We both love indie films and are game for almost anything, even subtitled animated films like Persepolis (which I found myself getting quite lost in, actually).

Since we grew up near Winnipeg, we thought it would be interesting to see that film, especially since the description of the film sounded like something light-hearted and comedic. We walked in with high hopes toting our expensive designer water, chocolate covered strawberries and a bag of popcorn to share. About 45 minutes into it, JMR looked over to me and asked, "What do you think?" I wasn't sure how to answer that. I fancy myself to be somewhat educated and savvy, and more than willing to take a mental romp through all kinds of movies and films. However, in this case I really didn't know what to make of this one. It wasn't funny, not particularly pleasing to the senses, and in the end we couldn't figure out if it was a documentary or a mockumentary. We concluded it was probably the latter and strangely unsatisfying...like eating a dinner of broccoli and rice, or something...so, we decided to seek out another film to give us that uplifted feeling we were seeking.

Our next choice was Young at Heart. It turned out to be heartwarming, funny, and sad all in one. We laughed, we jammed with the music, and we cried. We fell in love with the people in the band, and it inspired us to realize that we aren't too old to do anything we really want to do. In the end we walked out thoroughly pleased with the idea that we pressed on to see that second film. We left there Young at Heart and uplifted. Just the fix we were looking for.

2008-06-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

We had a Father's Day breakfast today for my dad, who is going to turn 80 in two days. There were about a dozen of us at the Holiday Inn paying tribute to one of the most handsome, dapper 80 year old dudes you would ever call yourself lucky enough to meet. He was feeling pretty special- having all three of his daughters in attendance. It is a rare occasion when we are all in one place, along with kids and grandkids (his great grandkids)who were lined up in high chairs and feeling very much a part of this noisy, hectic, but safe group we call family.

We gave him cards and various sums of money. What do you buy a guy who wants for nothing? He wakes up each day smiling and joking and happy just to be who he is. He has been an inspiration to all of us, and has taught us how to smile, sometimes through pain - and that humor can heal a broken heart if you will let it.

He also taught us the value of hard work and always being there for those you brought into this world. There has never been a day when I have gone to him, and he has made me feel he was too busy to sit and chat with me over a cup of coffee about what might be troubling me. He has a knack for making you feel like the most important person in his life at the moment you are spending with him. He has been a tower of strength for each of us at one time or another, and a wealth of knowledge and wisdom.

He worked as a railroad man for 35 years to put food on our table. We never wanted for a clean home or the security of a warm breakfast and dinner. He provided that, helped by mom of course, who worked tirelessly as well. I always remember him as the one who coaxed us out of bed in the morning and greeted us with a warm bowl of oatmeal. He still makes the oatmeal every day. A treat for us when we visit.

I called myself lucky this morning to see that cool old guy circulating around both tables and giving hugs and kisses to all of us who love him so dearly. We are better for having him in our lives, and we know it. Happy Father's Day to the best dad a family could have.

2008-05-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

I had a simply delightful Memorial Day weekend, even if I worked a lot. I'm doing some freelance work for a major financial mag and it involves interviewing a lot of mult-millionaires and writing their profiles. It is time consuming, satisfying, interesting and utterly exhausting. I had my plans made for a long weekend of working and eating little frozen and microwaved bites from the freezer. On Thursday I started wondering what the grandkids were going to be doing for the holiday weekend. I was especially wondering about that little brown eyed girl who lives in the same city as I do. When her mom called early Thursday evening, I was glad to hear she was wondering what I was gonna be doing as well.

I drove over and got her that very evening. Plans were for her to hang with me over the entire weekend, so her mom could get lots done. That was fine with me. This kid is one of the easiest kids ever to have in the house, even when you are working. She is literally never bored and if she has a moment when boredom might sneak in, she grabs a pencil and starts drawing and creating. In one of those moments I saw her working madly over on her little table and not too long after that, she handed me a greeting card that was colored with her scented crayons. When I opened it, it said in big letters I Love you!! Those words will melt a grandma's heart completely. I feel even more blessed that this particular little grandkiddy didn't even know me until two years ago.

We watched lots of movies this weekend. I introduced her to the delights of the original Parent Trap. She loved it completely. I couldn't believe the physical violence in that version. It seemed like nothing when it was first released, but now it would be politically incorrect in so many ways. The other movies we enjoyed together were Swiss Family Robinson and Pollyanna. I think I've got me a fellow Hayley Mills fan going in this girl. She also liked my stories of wanting to go to summer camp after seeing Parent Trap as a young girl, and actually getting to go to a very similar camp. To my amazement when I got there, I met a set of tall slender red-headed twins named Collette and Colleen. I was living it that year. My dream had come true! Now she wants to go to summer camp. There's got to be a great summer camp like that somewhere for her. I'll be checking.
On the way to school she started singing the song from that movie, to my utter delight. That used to be my favorite song!!

Last night when I was getting her moving in the direction of her room, she started batting those big brown eyes at me and asking if maybe please couldn't she finish watching her movie in bed. It wasn't all that late yet so I said, "Well, you know I'm just an old softie and when you ask me like that, you know I'm going to say yes." To that she replied, "You're not old! You're young...ish"! I guess being young...ish is better than being old, huh?

2008-05-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day will soon be upon us. Every year on Mother's Day a lot of moms stop to think about their children and also the job they did as a mother. Some moms think if they don't hear from their kids on that holiest of days in motherdom that they did a bad job. I myself have wondered that in past years when I don't hear from my kids on Mother's Day. I go back through the years and put myself through the most brutal of analysis. How was I when they were little and sick and needing their mom? For two of them I was not bad on that account. I sat up with them when they were sick. I literally slept on the foot of their beds. I watched their every breath and felt their heads way too often to see if they were too hot or too cold. When they suffered, I suffered.

I can't help at times like that to think of the little one I didn't get to be there for. My heart still aches that I couldn't have been there to bandage his skinned knees, and kiss his hurts to make them better. I know we have each other now and I can be there for him when he wants me to be. I do take comfort in knowing the wonderful woman who was his mommy. She is a gentle soul who I know was there for him during those times. I look at pictures of all of them from his childhood times, and I see the love they all had and have for each other. Pictures where he is lovingly being held and shown things in his environment like a piano or a painting on the wall. Funny how he turned into an artist and musician and he was showing interest in those things as a baby. Bravo for those two wonderful people who did and do give him unconditional love. In some ways he is doubly blessed, because now he has two moms who not only fuss over him, but love him unconditionally. And he has a dad who sees him as a best friend, and a quasi-step dad who thinks the world of him.

As for the two kids I got to raise, I guess I feel I have always been there for them. I have been too hard on them sometimes, expecting them to be the best that they could be. We did a pretty good job with them though. They are good people, productive, smart - wonderful adult people who love their spouses and are conscientious loving parents. At the end of the day, I rest easy with the people they have become, even if there are a few niggling feelings of remorse for the times when I was less than a perfect mom.

Why is it you only figure these things out when it is all in the past and you can't do it over? I know! Because it then qualifies you to be a grandparent!! I don't have many regrets in that department at all. Thank God!

2008-04-11T08:27:00.001-07:00

A few days ago as I was working at my computer next to the open patio door, I heard some sounds that literally made my heart sing. I heard children playing below - laughing and scurrying about. I heard the call of the mourning dove. The mourning dove is my very favorite bird, and the call of this bird brings me back to peaceful innocent days of sitting in my parents back yard in North Dakota. I can smell and taste the freshness of the air in those days. I can hear the sound of the town stretching and yawning and waking to a new day. Life was rife with possibility, and it pleasures my soul to realize that today my days feel just as filled with possibility.

There is no better feeling than first stepping across the thresh hold to a brand new spring. We are again entering into that magical time of year when all of nature is stretching, yawning and coming back to life. The sleep of winter is rapidly coming to an end and everything is abuzz. The trees are budding, grass is turning green, and the birds are coming back. It is the season of the year when enthusiasm swells and thoughts of the garden fill one's head. What fresh veggies and gorgeous flowers will we bring to life this year? How shall we arrange them? Is this the year we finally put in those lilac bushes? Maybe we should plant some fruit trees! What new things can we do to make the yard more family friendly? The possibilities are endless, and I can't wait for the first day when we can dig into that rich earth and get things going.

In the meantime, here is something for you to listen to, as you dream of spring. Just click on the link on the upper right hand side of this page. Go ahead, it is worth the effort (hint: you may have to click the play button twice, but this is a safe site it comes from, so enjoy).

2008-03-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

I truly do not know how I could be any more miserable than I am right about now. I have given sick people a wide berth all winter in an effort to avoid all of the creeping plague that is going around. Today I became one of those people that I cuss about all of the time - you know the type - the hero who has a huge red dripping nose, but feels he/she must go out anyway and infect half of the civilized world with whatever is sneezing/coughing/running out of said nose.

I swear to God I avoid my own grandkids when their little noses are running, and my aging father when he is coughing and hacking. I always advise them to get the best medical care possible, and I have even been known to leave little care packages outside of their doors, but avoid I do. So, how the hell did I get punked here????

Here's how it goes, you are invited by a loving family member to come and visit, have a nice dinner, stay the night. Your germ radar doesn't detect any snuffling, stuffy noses, or untoward hacking, so you figure, "Great! It's a good time for some family bonding."

Upon arrival it is evident that some family member is a "little off". Oh, it's nothing contagious, you are assured - just a sinus infection. You eye the peaked relative with suspicion and you keep your distance, but lo and behold just a few days later ZAPPO!! The cold germies have landed in your nostrils, and before long it is full-fledged snotty warfare.

In my case, I have to be the most miserable looking cold victim you would ever want to see. My eyes are red and tearing, my nose is swollen, and all of the skin around it is red and peeling, my lips are parched, my tongue is thick and at times I sneeze so hard and so often it is difficult to maintain my equilibrium. I am thoroughly pissed to be feeling this way, and just when I think I would love to pummel the person who gave me this, I get visions of the most adorable baby girl anyone would ever want to hold and love, and the graying old guy that I love so dearly. How can you fault either of those two?? It had to be one of 'em!!

Oh, well in about a week, my nose should get back to its normal color and my mucous membranes will shrink down from the size of a king-sized mattress. My eyes will turn from red back to white, and this will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, I'll keep pushing the liquids, vitamins, and nasal swabs of zinc. Times like this, I wish I were a drinking woman!!

2008-02-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen that trailer for the Steve Carrel movie Get Smart? There is a scene where he is in a phone booth and can't get out. He keeps pushing and pushing and looking more and more frustrated. When we saw that, I turned to Frank and said, "That's the kind of stuff that happens to me all of the time!" He chuckled, cuz he knows it is true. Anyway, this morning, since it was Valentine's Day, I decided to pan fry in butter some of those nice litttle crappie filets that Frank brought home from ice fishing yesterday. His friend Duane occasionally sends me a baggie of spices that I mix with cracker crumbs. It is called Everglades seasoning or something like that. This morning for an extra treat, I decided to use buttermilk pancake mix dry with the seasoning stuff just to coat those nice little filets. Okay, so I fried up a whole batch of those and I had a few myself. As we sat down to eat them, I asked Frank if they tasted sweet to him. He said, "Hmmm do you taste orange?" I said, "Well maybe, but maybe that is just the buttermilk in the pancake mix." We continued to eat, and I continued to wonder. "Does this taste like when Duane cooks them?" I asked. "He deep fries his in canola oil", was Frank's kind reply. After we finished our fish, I went and got the seasoning bag still musing, "This is Duane's seasoning stuff isn't it?" I stuck my finger in and tasted it. Orange and sugar!! Does anyone remember giving me some Russian tea seasoning at any point??? I think I made fish rolled in Russian tea seasoning for breakfast!! It was kinda weird, but not too bad, actually.

2008-01-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

I just saw a headline somewhere, "How to Maintain Portion Control". It made me wonder what novel ideas anyone could come up with to help a person keep track of the size of portions she was consuming. Then as weirdly as my mind works, I started thinking of novel ways to do just that. The first idea that came to me - before you sit down to eat, get a strong pair of reading glasses, put them on. Your portions will suddenly take on gargantuan proportions. And to help matters - when you try to eat your food, the big magnifiers will make it difficult for you to actually find your mouth. In the middle of all of that, you will find a distinct case of nausea creeping in on you, and you won't feel like eating anyway. So there it is, probably the most innovative idea for portion control that you will find on the internet or on your local bookshelf. Don't say I didn't try to help!

2007-12-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

Okay the time has come for me to make some New Years Resolutions and stick to them!! This year is it kiddies. Actual bona fide New Years resolutions that I am gonna make and stick to. So without further yappage, here they are:

1. I am going to pursue my writing with a vengeance this year. I am going to use my famous almost ex-daughter in law Diablo Cody as inspiration to do that. She has accomplished some pretty great things pursuing her writing career with her successes with Candy Girl and Juno. It has been so much fun seeing her accomplish just what she set out to do with all of that.

I am sad that she and Jon aren't going to make it together in the future, but it is cool that they are able to remain friends, and I wish her nothing but the best. I'm sure she doesn't need that from me, but it is there for her anyway.

I am almost not sure if I should call DC my daughter in law or birth daughter in law. Jonny calls me his birthmom, cuz that is what I am. I am kinda the Juno in the story who gave my baby son up for adoption and stuck to it, even when I wanted to rush back and take him home with me - time after time during the whole process. Even when he was a year old - two years old I considered going back and fighting the adoption.. There were some irregularities that I discovered in the whole process, that would have enabled me to do just that. I decided against it though - decided not to break the hearts of the mom and dad who were raising him and cherishing him. I don't regret my restraint, although I spent lots of years yearning for the son I birthed but never got to hold or see.

It is such a gift to me now to have him in my life. My brown eyed son - tender, gentle, handsome, intelligent, talented. He calls me Birthmom. I call him son. It is hard for him to have two moms - I understand that. He is getting used to it. It is no stretch at all for me to have two sons. He had a spot in my heart from the moment he was conceived. The spot that was a bit of a hole, is now filled. I am complete.

OK, back to the resolutions:

2. Get healthy so I can be around for a long time to enjoy my kids and grandkids. That involves a fitness program and getting a good physicial exam with all of the tests that are age appropriate for me. I have neglected to do that for a few years. Here I am married to a doctor and I never seek medical care - like the shoemaker's family who has no shoes, I guess. My own fault though. Along with that, some badly needed dental work. Ouch!! It is sure to be a bit of a tension filled, painful new year, but in the end I will be better off, right?

3. Finally take and pass the darned bar exam!!! I graduated from law school in 1988, and I have never practiced law. I have taken tons of training in various aspects of the law including Intellectual Property and Mediation. Now I am finally going to get admitted to the State Bar Association. It is time. I might need my legal career as a fall back position, in our plans for multiple streams of income.

4. Laugh more.

5. Worry less.

6. Clean out my cluttered, over-filled closets once and for all. Get rid of the size 14's and the size 20's. The 14's are out of style and the 20's have always been too big. Stack the 18's up too, cuz they are already a little too big. Focus on those 16's, which fit, but are a tad tight. Get into those first and work my way down in size to an eventual size 10. I will be happy there. I promise. I used to be a perfect size 7. Now I will feel perfect in size 10. I can and will do it!!

So that is it, my resolutions for this year. I am determined to do them, and when I get determined, shit happens!! I'll keep you all posted on my progress this year, but it's gonna be a good one. I can feel it!!

2007-10-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

OK, so today is my 58th birthday. All of a sudden I am staring 60 right in the eye, and I am uncomfortably close to 65, the traditional age of retirment. I don't even want to think about that right now, because it would bring on a panic attack if I have to think of the piles of money we have NOT put away for retirement as of yet. Face it, something really big and really wonderful has to happen in my life in the next few years that will bring me heaps of money. I have all the faith in the world that that will happen. No, I mean this. I truly do believe something really wonderful is on the horizon and it will bring me the financial security that we will need to secure a comfortable future for us and a good inheritance for the kids. I figure that will take about oh, $5,000,000. That way we can live on the interest and leave the rest for all of the progeny.

So, enough stressing about all of that. Now on to fun thoughts. What things have I not done that I still want to accomplish in my life? I would love to publish some of my writing in the next few years. I have some things started, some things done, and some ideas to develop. I would love to travel to England, Italy, Turkey, Scotland, and Hawaii. I would like to spend at least a month in each of those places. I would love to pick up the violin and learn to play it all over again and also the mandolin that is in my closet - just waiting for me. I would love to dance with John Travolta - just once or maybe once for a long period of time. I just wanna dance with him, okay? And most of all, I would love to find a cure for SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) the disease that plagues my grandson Cole. If I could do that, I will forfeit all of the above mentioned items.

I have had a great day - a few notes from my lifetime friends, and my thoughtful family. My hubby is taking me to Florida for a week to do Disney our way - without anyone else along. What more could a girl ask for? Not much, I think.

2007-09-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

God, the unspeakable happened a couple of weeks ago, and I am just now able to talk about it. Lucy, one of our sweet little schnauzers ran away for the first time in her life and horror of horrors got hit by a car! She was six years old, more than a little hyper and filled with the joy of a puppy. We both studiously protected and cared for her all of her six years and kept her from her own wild impulses as much as we could manage. There was never a day when we went to put her on her leash, when we didn't encounter a complete wrestling match. She was always a writhing mass of energy, but she was also sweet and good natured.
I held her in my lap when she was just a pup and she learned to cuddle and relax there. She did that always - every chance she got. She wasn't a messy, smelly dog and she had the perkiest, floppiest ears you could ever imagine on a dog whose ears were supposed to be cropped at birth. She was just gorgeous, a perfect schnauzer specimen. Now there is only Maddie left. Maddie who is getting more spoiled by the day. She used to be the follower, now she is trying to take over as alpha. The once docile timid little girl is trying her wings. I don't think there will be a new puppy to fill the gap that Lucy left. I don't think either of us is up for the heartbreak that would bring if we saw another fragile little dog life snuffed out in an instant. It is just too hard for Frank especially. I have never thought myself to be a dog person, but I'll surely miss Lucy!!

2007-07-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

I suddenly find myself in a very good mood. I didn't start out that way today, by any means. But looking back on the past few weeks is making me feel very satisfied at the moment. First of all, I have finally managed to settle a state tax audit that has been going on and on for 19 months now. The state department of revenue just arbitrarily decided to assess my husband and myself additional taxes to the tune of almost $80K and I basically had to work like hell to get it whittled down to about 1/4 of that. Mind you, every deduction we took was legal and above board, but when they decide to disallow them JUST BECAUSE, it is up to you to convince them that those deductions were real and allowable according to the law. Even when you do that to the best of your abilities, they still stick to their initial decision giving you small concessions along the way. This whole process has taken about as long as it takes an elephant to conceive and deliver a baby, and it felt just the same to me - like giving birth to a baby elephant. In the end, we could have paid an attorney the same amount to go to tax court to fight the thing, as we ended up settling for. It just sux!! Once they get you on the hook, you're gonna pay something Buster!!
The second thing I feel good about is that my husband and I survived a week at Disney World in the middle of July with two teenagers and neither one of us succumbed to heat stroke. Thank goodness the two of them were old enough to be able to run around on their own quite a bit, or we would never had made it. They stayed out later than us, and started out earlier, but when we were out there trudging through the parks, it felt just like my dad described boot camp to be in the late '40's - Africa hot and dehydrating! One night I woke up with a heart beating faster than I could count. I knew I hadn't had enough fluid the day before and I was even having nightmares. I quickly downed about two quarts of water and began to feel better. In fact I felt good enough to get right back out there and do it again by evening. It is amazing how much you appreciate every cloud and every little breeze when you are in that kind of heat. If we weren't such softies, maybe we could turn our granddaughter down when she bats those long eyelashes at us and asks us to take her and her boyfriend down to Disney World, but we can't - so we have to do the next best thing - hydrate!!

2007-03-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

Wax on - Wax off. I have been painting this week and since our new clinic is located in the center of a Wellness Center there is some very meditative music playing in the background and we are very quiet, because there are massages going on down the hall. I feel like the guy in the movie The Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi has him waxing the fence. It is quiet and it is just me and the paint brush and the soft music. It has really felt good to do something very physical this past few days. I am going to be disappointed when I finish and can't do that level of activity every day. Although I do have a very large townhouse that needs paint everywhere, so there is a chance if I can find time, I can paint that too! There is something so satisfying about a job well done, and painting gives that satisfaction.
The clinic is coming along very well. I am working to decorate it in a Feng Shui manner to accentuate the natural healing and acupuncture that will be going on there. I am hoping that both Frank and I will enjoy this new venture. We generally work well together, but we are both very strong willed people, so there are those moments of silent heated arguments behind closed doors when we come to an impasse. If anyone could see behind those doors, they would see two people with bulging eyes and pantomime moves that look like a cross between Harpo Marx and The Three Stooges (except it is usually me that does the eye poking - just kidding!). We usually manage to get our differences mediated and the solution is usually something better than either of us could have thought of on our own, so it is all good.

2007-01-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm heading to Tucson for a week - accompanying my husband Frank as he starts his fellowship in Integrative Medicine with Dr. Andrew Weil. I am very excited for him. This is a whole new direction he is taking in his medical career. He just finished a course in Medical Acupuncture. I have actually taken a few treatments from him and I am totally afraid of needles. I have to say, it didn't hurt and the pain went away in my neck and upper back as a result. I had to be one of his worst patients. I kept shrieking "Don't puncture my lungs!" and "Don't hit my spinal cord!". I could tell he was chuckling to himself as he reassured me that he wouldn't be going anywhere near that deep, and the needles weren't that long. I have to say those needles are so thin, I didn't feel much at all when they went in, and after they were in, I didn't feel them at all. He hooked little boxes powered by batteries to the needles and I felt a little bit of thumping in my muscles. Again, nothing uncomfortable.

When he finished the neck and upper back treatment, I sat up to switch positions for a kidney tonification that he wanted to do to increase my overall energy level. I wasn't sold on getting another whole treatment, but I am really glad I did. I felt an overall increase in energy and feelings of well being for weeks after that. I am actually going to take one of those again soon.

I don't know if I can completely credit the acupuncture, but for the first time in my life I have gotten a regular exercise program going and am losing weight that I have been struggling to lose for years. Maybe it is because I feel a lot better and the muscles don't ache. Whatever has brought me to this point, I am rejoicing.

Tucson isn't as warm as I would wish right now, but I am going to enjoy 60 something compared to 20 something. And when we get back, we are home for a few days and then off to Disney World for a week. Most of the kids and grandkids are coming. It will be a blast, no doubt about it. I'm a little sad that my birthson Jon, his wife Brook, and daughter (my adorable granddaughter) Nadija can't come this time. They are just going to start shooting Brook's movie Juno, and I am so excited for both of them. These are exciting times in their lives. Disney World can wait. We'll do it sometime soon. In the meantime, these are very good times for all of us.

2006-12-27T22:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the best of intentions and the highest of hopes can't work together to produce a merry little Christmas, no matter how hard everyone tries. In the case of our family, the larger the group, the more chance something crappy is going to happen to set everyone a-tizzy. This year, my sister and I spent hundreds of dollars on food, hours and hours on cleaning and preparing and planning to have it all turn to a quivering mass of neurosis and insecurity. It is like a chain reaction in this family. When something happens to set one person off, it causes a ripple effect that goes through each and every one of us and brings every unattractive personality trait in each person directly to the surface. Night one started out as planned - everyone was enjoying and chatting and feeling the anticipation of good times to come. Then it happened - one person stated an opinion, the second person dissed the first person and we were all off and running. Some tried to defuse it, but you can't defuse a bomb that has already gone off. Over the next several hours, one family retreated to safer ground for the evening, and the next night an entire branch of the family tree decided not to attend. In the midst of all of this were many secret meetings and discussions, and all manner of analysis. In the end, despite all of our best efforts, everyone left the holiday celebration feeling a little screwed and a lot relieved that this Christmas is now history. Next year, I am seriously contemplating a trip to Hawaii!

2006-11-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about nursing homes lately. Then today I saw a commercial with Dennis Hopper telling us that when we are senior citizens things are going to be very different and that he doesn't see us baby boomers going to Bingo Night. I agree totally with that! I think by the time we baby boomers hit old age in record numbers, we will have a whole different gig going on. I predict we will be setting up communes with of course some medical staff coming in to take care of those kinds of concerns. A commune would have lots of advantages. We could all live together under one roof, pool our resources, and finally start living life with the goal of enjoying more and worrying less. I can just see us doing our part to keep the place running smoothly, gardening, writing music, poetry, books, listening to some good music on the sound system, sewing, cooking and enjoying good food, and engaging in as much fun as we are physically capable of.

As we have gotten older, we've longed for those carefree days. (I wasn't all that carefree, since I decided to get married and start a family at a young age). For me it will be my first chance at really being carefree, and going for the gusto in life. We could probably take some of the nursing homes now in existence and re-do them. Make them actually pleasant, and get some fun going on there. Friday night concerts would be good - or maybe an ongoing Karaoke bar right on the premises, and coffee houses with beat poetry being read. Fun, all of the time. No news shows on the television set - just re-runs of all of our favorite TV shows. Of course we would have the freedom to tune into the reality of life, but I doubt we would. We can for real drop out and turn on.

No horrible nursing home meals for us, no activity director - just good food cooked by the current residents, lots of Motown coming through the speakers - and an after-dinner glass of wine, just to make the night go a little better. Maybe we could even bus on over to some baby boomer version of Woodstock a couple of times a year. Dylan will still be there reinventing himself. And Mick Jagger will still be able to strut across the stage and he'll still be hot. We definitely have to get busy and get this stuff changed around before we get to that point. Who knows, maybe in the near future, we'll figure out how to live to be 150. We're getting there!

2006-11-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Chuck E. Cheese rocks! At least that is what my little grandson Cole thinks. We went there today, along with my sister - Auntie Jackie. First we all had to have our hands stamped with the same number, so that if by some fluke of nature one of the giant tv sets that are anchored to the ceiling should fall on both of us at the same time, no one could take advantage of that to sneak away with our little darling boy. When you leave you have to show that your number matches his, or it's no-go. You don't get past that little girl who is standing security at the door. Never mind she doesn't understand a word of English, she still would be a formidable obstacle I am sure, if she needed to be.

The pizza wasn't bad, the dinner entertainment, which consisted of a very large gray mouse looming over us, as music videos played on all of the monitors could have been better. They could have had that big mouse actually doing something, which would have been at least a little bit interesting. I remember the old Show Biz Pizza from when my kids were young, and in those days there were three stages filled with animatronic creatures of all kinds. There was music, there was comedy, and just great all around entertainment for the kids and their parents too. My kids loved it.

Little Cole however, doesn't know about Show Biz pizza, so he thought Chuck E. Cheese was just great, boring big gray mouse and all. He loved putting his coins in the machines and playing the little games - each one different, but surprisingly odd and hard to do for a little guy. Never mind! He did what he could do, and the tickets came out anyway. The Skee balls were way too heavy for him, and even though he gave it his best shot the darned things just kept rolling backwards and on to the floor - almost nailing a toe or two in the process. Grandma and Auntie Jackie had to help them along alittle.

The pizza wasn't bad - for us, a combination of Canadian Bacon and black olives. Cole loves him some black olives. The crust was pretty good - just a little sweetness - for a kid's tastes. And in the end we had around 60 tickets! Enough to get one of those little rainbow colored styrofoam airplanes that Grandma almost ruined in the process of constructing it. All of that fun and merriment for the low price of $$$. A good day for Cole though and that is what counts in the end, to this Grandma and the much loved Auntie Jackie.

2006-11-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

Nanny Deb is full of crap. If anyone has watched that popular television show lately, it would seem that if you are having any kind of trouble at all in dealing with a child, Nanny Deb will show you the way. Well, I tried about a dozen of her techniques today, and I beg to differ!!

My grandson has been spending a few days with me over the weekend, and we mostly do pretty well together. However today he was having a particularly active day, and Grandma wasn't getting going quickly enough to TARGET, his favorite place in his world - except for Disney World. He decided to spend the time while he was waiting for me raising as much hell as he possibly could in an effort to nudge the old girl along.

I usually don't get too much into the discipline end of his upbringing, because after all I am the Fairy Grandmother! Today though, I felt an obligation to set him in the "naughty spot" since his behavior was bordering on naughty. Now, I hasten to add naughty for him is nowhere near naughty for a lot of other four year olds, but as I said, I felt a bit of a responsibility to remind him that naughty wasn't going to get Grandma going any faster.

I sat him down on the naughty spot aka the bottom step, and he proceeded to turn into a jelly fish and quickly slither to the floor. I picked him up, set him down again, and reminded him that he was going to sit on the naughty spot for four minutes (one minute for every year of age). Slither and slide this time. After some quick thought, I decided to sit down directly in front of the little darling, and meet him eye to eye. Now there is the rub. When this boy does not want to look at you, he will not look at you. Those eyes that look absolutely adorable in any picture you see of him, went from left to right, up, down, around, and lots of directions I didn't even know eyes could move, but no way did they meet my eyes. I took his chin and said, "Look at me when I am talking to you." Nope no way Grandma. He looked nonchalant, staring upward as if his chubby little Grandma didn't even exist in his universe.

Time for the big guns. I took his little hands in mine, and held them in his lap, as I placed my hand on his chest. I spoke intently, kindly, succinctly, and with a great deal of authority as I gave him my best speech about how "Grandma has to tell you things sometimes to keep you safe, and it is very important for you to do what Grandma says at these times." Still no eye contact and the upward eye roll, following by a flick to the side. "Do you understand Grandma?" No response. Now this child is a normal kid, with all kinds of normal emotions, but man when he wants to stonewall you, and I have been stonewalled by a few, I can honestly say no one does it better than him. I'd like to see old Nanny Deb crack this one!!

2006-10-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Dog Joy. Have you noticed that dogs have a certain innocence and loyalty that you just can't find in the human world? They will take whatever you have to give them at the moment - a scrap from the table or an ear scratch, or even a reprimand, because it means you are paying some kind of attention. They will sit at your feet for hours while you work - completely content to be in your company. Good friends, these dogs of mine, but I'm not typically an animal person. I am more than a little self absorbed, and usually the only people that can supplant my own needs are my husband, my kids and my grandkids - not necessarily in that order. There are downsides to dog ownership however. For instance when I am eating, they both sit at my feet and watch every damn bite that goes into my mouth. If I should drop a crumb, they both scramble to retrieve it like a school of piranha after an unsuspecting frog. And, when I accidentally drop my hand to the seat of my chair while at the computer, one of them is there to lick it! I am a certifiable germophobe and dog slime does not make me happy, especially on my hands. I completely understand Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip when she screams "Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!" And on the subject of icky, I really hate having to go outside with them and wait for each of them to finally decide to poop! Not only do I have to stand there and witness the poop coming out of them - something I would never choose to do - but I have to bend down and scoop it up in a plastic bag and carry it all the way home to dispose of in my handy dandy Diaper Genie in the garage. I don't like smells, and I don't like disgusting sights like that, and YUCK! There I am picking up dog poop! And why do they have to poop so damned much? It is a good thing they are so cute. Their little perky schnauzer ears and spunky little bodies almost make up for the downside, especially when I am sad and they know it, and they just come and sit beside me just to let me know they care. AWWWW! Maybe I am a dog person after all.

2006-10-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today is Jon's birthday. It has been 5 months since we found each other, and the time has gone very quickly. I was so excited all day yesterday to know for the first time since he has been born, I get to be at his birthday party. Every other year, his birthday has been a day of quiet reflection for me, when I spent the time wondering where he might be, and constructing scenarios in my mind about what he might be doing, where he might be, what he might look like, and all the time the nagging doubt in my mind that he might not be alright at all, because at the time of his birth, I was overcome with anxiety about his well-being. Now I know...that he is a wonderful guy, talented, witty, intellegent, good looking and most of all kind and caring. He is everything I could have ever dreamed he was, and more. And Nadija and Brook are all a part of this wonderful new chapter in our lives. It is all good, and more than adequate compensation for all the years of sadness that used to surround his birthday. October is once again a month of possibility for me. It used to be that way when I was a child. October was always an exciting time, since my birthday and my two sisters' birthdays fall in October and fall - the best season of the year was in full swing. When Jon was born and I had to give him up for adoption, October became a bitter sweet month for me. Now, it is once again a month of pure joy and unending possibility.

2006-07-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

When I was roughing it the north woods of Minnesota this past week, I saw something that made my heart sing. Although I was hating the rustic cabin with its lack of air conditioning and plotting my escape, I decided to go out and sit in the screened sun porch to watch the fireworks over the lake. As I was waiting for the darkness to descend, I spotted something that got me as excited as I have been in a long time. Fireflies!! Precious little fireflies darting all over in my field of vision. One of them even came close to the screen to blink a special hello just to me. I haven't seen fireflies in decades. I had thought maybe they were extinct or something as a result of our toxic lifestyle. There were only a few, but they were there and seeing them brought me back to the days when I was a little girl waiting outside my grandmother's house on the 4th of July for the annual fireworks show at Roosevelt Park just across the street from where she lived.

We usually had a 4th of July picnic at the state park nearby and ended the day at Grandma's house She would have a smudge pot going to detract mosquitoes and we would run in and out of her house snacking on watermelon and just generally being kids. She was always very tolerant of kids, and we could do pretty much as we pleased at her house. When we were in trouble she would usher us to a big wooden closet with her fur coats hanging inside. It was fun to climb in there and hide from Dad while she worked her magic - calming him down for our eventual return to civilization and his inevitable disciplinary action.

Those miraculous little fireflies made an otherwise dull evening something special for me. Even if I didn't have air conditioning!!

2006-06-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be going well in the reunion with my birth son. He is such a joy in my life. I find myself to be a bit obsessed with catching up with him and learning all I can about him. There should be a time when something like this happens when the two people most affected would be able to get away together to a place of comfort and quiet, so they can talk for hours and just enjoy each other's company.

I find myself looking at his pictures several times a week, and then just pinching myself when I realize that I finally know who he is, where he lives, and all sorts of details about him. I have heard his music (which I absolutely love) and I have read his writing. We both have a love for the written word which makes communication back and forth absolutely spectacular.

We have had one get-together at this point when we invited members of my family to come and meet him. It was a potluck. We all made something to share, and the food was so good! The party was easy-going and everyone seemed to have a great time. The absolute best part of the day was finally meeting Nadija, my granddaughter. She is a beautiful brown-eyed girl, with long dark brown hair. She was in my dreams as the absolute perfection that she is, before I ever met her. I always told my daughter Charisse that I wished to have a brown eyed grandchild. I told her that in jest, but in my heart, I have always wished to gaze into those brown eyes, and now I have. People tell me she looks very much like I did as a child, and let me tell you that warms my heart too. I feel so related to both Jon and Nadija, just naturally. It is a feeling that comes from a soul level. I am now truly complete, and it is a marvelous feeling!

2006-05-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

Week two of life now that I know my birth son. The first week of this wonderful adventure has been akin to the euphoria one feels after giving birth to a newborn baby. This son is a newborn 35 year old to me. I find myself investigating his face to see whose eyes he has, whose nose, whose mouth, all of it. And on it goes. He'll be very lucky if his aunts don't make him take off his shoes so they can see whose feet he has. I do know he has his birth dad's dimples and a very nice combination of both of my brothers in the eyes and mouth and hair growth. He is a kind person, I can tell that and considerate. What a treat for a birth mom to find her son and share so many similarities with him. It is so easy to know him. I know now that even though we were separated physically, our souls were linked always. I feel at ease for the first time in 35 years.

I know that although I have all of these maternal feelings toward my son, he probably doesn't even want all that much mothering at this stage in his life, so I restrain myself from fussing over him and "smothering" him. I will just treasure the times we can have with each other as time goes by, and I am grateful that we are both young and healthy and have lots of time to spend enjoying our unique connection.

I also realize that I have an almost neurotic desire to know where he is from now on, because I don't want to lose him again. I've spent too long looking for him. I also know that I will always let him know where I am, because I don't want him to ever wonder where I am either. We both spent too much time looking for each other, to lose track of each other ever again.

2006-05-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

The last 36 hours have been amazing. Not only have I gotten well acquainted with my son, but my oldest son and I have met with him and his wife Brook. My stomach was doing flip-flops on my way over there, but it also felt like the most right thing I have done in a long time. I got there early and couldn't even sit down waiting for them to arrive. They arrived a few minutes later, and I think I just giggled at the sight of him. I felt completely filled with and overtaken by joy. It was the kind of shock you feel when someone tells you you have just won the lottery. That moment - the moment of first laying eyes on his dear face stayed with me all through the night - every time I woke up (which was several times I might add).

The first order of business was my ability to look at Jon's baby pictures. He was a beautiful child - perfect in every way. It was therapeutic in so many ways to be able to look at those pictures and linger on each one, imagining what it must have been like to spend those days and years with him.

The next pictures were of him, his pretty wife Brook and daughter Nadija. I was so grateful that they brought those. Some day I will have to have them come to my Lakes House so I can let them look through the numerous bins, boxes and albums of pictures that I have there.

Yesterday goes down as one of the best days I have ever spent. I was thrilled and gratified that my sons liked each other instantly and today when I look at the pictures, Jon looks like the perfect younger brother to Brett, and the three of us look very much alike in many ways. I only wished my daughter, their sister Charisse could have been there in that picture too. We will have to have that happen soon.

I enjoyed meeting Brook. She is one of the most open, true, caring people I have ever met. She obviously loves Jon and cares about him deeply. She was fun to talk to, and is intelligent and witty too. I look forward to trading writing stories with her in the future.

I am excited to meet Nadija. She is a gorgeous brown-eyed girl with the a cute porcelain doll face. I hear she is already blessed with 4 grandmas and I get to be one more. Lucky me!

And today was fun again talking to Jon off and on about his medical history and complaints that are identical to mine. I was able to give him some tips that I have gleaned over the years, thanks to advice from Frank (my M.D. husband) and lots of trial and error. Besides medical history, we share taste in music and movies. I just can't get enough of learning about him little by little.

All of this and working on an audit for the State of Minnesota Department of Revenue. Speaking of that...Back to work for now.

2006-05-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

What has transpired in my life in the past 35 years? I have gone from being a frightened 20 year old girl to a self assured, educated, very content 56 year old woman. I have a degree in Psychology and a Law Degree. I went to law school because I decided I should have a grown up profession. Once I got there, I felt like the proverbial square peg who was trying to fit into a round hole. I was able to fit by being pounded continuously by a mallet, but once I got away from there I resumed my former shape, and thusfar haven't practiced much law. I did serve as a prosecutor on an Indian reservation near where I grew up for a summer, and an appellate judge at the reservation where I am an enrolled member. I rather like being a judge, but I haven't pursued that either. I have taken tons of training in mediation, which is an alternative dispute resolution method that more suits my personality. It is a win-win process. Someday, I may do more with that. However I do enjoy Intellectual Property law - especially Trademark law - imagine being Harry Potter's lawyer! That would be a dream come true for me.

I have always loved writing and have done a lot of it from time to time. I have had a poem published, although I don't fancy myself a poet. I have folders and folders of pieces I've written that I haven't submitted anywhere. I bore the family with my long posts to our family bulletin board. I have a few books that I have started and not finished. Writing is my first love. Psychology is my second, as far as interests go. I love music - all kinds - and surround myself with it every day.

I have spent the majority of the past several years taking care of our legal matters, keeping our finances, keeping our house, being a mom and a grandma. I believe I was born to be a grandma - that is what I do best. I think I am not a bad mom, but I am always learning in that department. I always try to "be there" for my loved ones. I guess that is all any of us can do for each other.

I had the one son at the age of 17. He is now 39 and is doing very well, living in St. Paul, MN - married with two children. He is intelligent, funny, handsome, loving, gentle, but very savvy with people. At age 25 I had a daughter, who is now going to be 32 in October. She is living on a farm in Angus, MN with her husband and son. She is expecting a little baby girl the end of June this year. She has a degree in Speech Pathology, and is artistic, logical, musical,a darned good photographer and most of all, a great mom.

Presently I am working with my husband setting up an Integrative Medicine Clinic. His medical practice keeps both of us busy - keeping him current on licensing, certifications, and education. He is presently working in Emergency Medicine, but by fall 2006 we are hoping to be up and running in the new clinic.

My favorite travel spot is Disney World. It is a great place to go with family. We have a time share there that we all enjoy often - a few times a year. I also love the beach at the Gulf of Mexico. We have a house in Lakes Country Minnesota. It is in town, and not on a lake, but it is quiet, simple and a great get-away. We garden there, eat fresh vegetables, raise flowers and let our two little schnauzers run around. Someday we plan to sell it and get an actual cabin on one of the nearby lakes.

So that is my life as it is now in a nutshell. When I got pregnant at an early age, my dad was worried that I had ruined my chances to have any education or success in life. I promised him that wouldn't be the case. As a young woman it was my goal to live up to that promise. Sometimes I went overboard in the wrong direction (law school), but even that served me well. I still entertain the notion of taking the Bar Exam and actually setting up a practice. Maybe I'll do it when I get older and a bit bored.